The new Premier League season is just days away. Many are wondering who will win the title, which teams can make Europe and the sides that face the drop.
But it’s harder to predict the other events that happen during a season. The matches are guaranteed, as are the awards; it’s everything else that’s up for debate.
You know, stories like the Andy Gray/Richard Keys saga. Stories like the FIFA World Cup voting farce. Stories like the situation involving Twitter and . . . well, let’s not get into that one.
Anyway, I have my own thoughts on who will finish where, but I am now going to present a list of what I call “alternative” predictions. They may happen, or they may not happen. But if those I’ve already referenced can take place, then so can the ones listed below. I have focused on teams first, and then will come some general ones. Don’t take them too seriously, but don’t necessarily rule them out either. Enjoy!
- Arsene Wenger signs up to a deal with Specsavers, but irks sponsors by still claiming, with the glasses on, that “I didn’t see it.”
- In an attempt to reboot its youth system, Aston Villa open a new training facility, naming it after its owner – the Early Lerner Centre.
- After the commercial for Venky’s, several Blackburn players receive what they hope is an April Fool’s joke when they are asked to become the new face of Go Compare.
- Bolton Wanderers’ club shop, believing fans will buy anything, unveil “Tin Coyle.”
- New Chelsea
- After a summer of frustration due to a lack of funds, David Moyes finally makes a signing – on a youngster’s autograph book in the Goodison car park.
- Fulham fans are left scratching their heads when the Craven Cottage’s family enclosure is filled with statues of Michael Jackson and the Jackson Five.
- Liverpool win the Premier League. (I hope.)
- Manchester City
- A Manchester United-initiated change in the law means that all referees assigned to “big” games must receive Alex Ferguson’s permission first.
- Newcastle United’s hopes finally appear to be realised when Mike Ashley sells Newcastle and buys Sunderland . . . only for the Black Cats to win the Premier League.
- Norwich City
- QPR boss Neil Warnock actually manages to compose himself and praise a match official after a League game. Well, one in 38 isn’t bad.
- Tom Jones turns up five months late for a request to record Delilah as Stone’s FA Cup Final tune. Those who question the delay in his response are told, “It’s not unusual.”
- Steve Bruce vehemently denies allegations that Sunderland are simply buying players that Man United don’t want. That night, United have seven players on their bench, all of whom are Sunderland players by January.
- As Welsh side Swansea
- Tottenham boss Harry Redknapp makes history by becoming the first manager to bid on every player in the world during the final hours of the summer transfer window. In January, he turns his attention to non-football players.
- West Brom boss Roy Hodgson ponders how he has been with Fulham, Liverpool and WBA in little over a year. Seven new clubs later, he celebrates Christmas 2011.
- After being sacked by Wigan , Roberto Martinez vows revenge on Dave Whelan and, to try and compete, opens his own shop, called Doc Martinez.
- Mick McCarthy is eager to stamp out the threat of player power at Wolves, so he turns into an old friend who can calm any situation . . . Roy Keane.
And some extra expectations; consider them bonus predictions.
- Honourable chairman David Gold turns up as a judge on the new series of X Factor. He sacks the winner from his record label within seconds of the Final ending. In a portable toilet at the ITV1 studios.
- A contestant loses at the final stage of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire for being unable to correctly answer the question of why Mark Hughes left Fulham.
- Andy Gray and Richard Keys suffer embarrassment when, low on funds, they agree to back a Funny Football Moments DVD – and find footage of the Wolves-Liverpool 2011 game plastered on the front. On the plus side, though, Andy Gray has a great new computer to give his kids for Christmas.
- A supporter becomes a YouTube sensation for drying his hair on camera whilst a substitution is being made.
- A fan sues Sky for complaining that he wasn’t hit in the face with a football while watching a match in 3D.
- Goal Of The Month finally returns in its old form; as a telephone competition, wherein fans are told there will be absolutely no problems whatsoever. This proves to be correct when every goal for all ten months is scored by Didier Drogba.
- Sky introduce a new interactive feature wherein if you’re watching a game and are bored, by pressing the red button you can actually jump into the television, run onto the pitch and score twenty-seven goals. Unfortunately, you can only score for Man United.
- England qualify for Euro 2012, but the papers spend months running Fabio Capello down . . . and then wonder why England
- A major manager retires after many successful years. Many realise he can’t achieve more, but others believe he still has what it takes to be the very best at what he does. Nevertheless, fans young and old wave a fond farewell . . . to the Fat Controller from Thomas The Tank Engine.
- And, finally, best of all, Sepp Blatter agrees to a Panorama special during which he speaks honestly about claims of corruption and resigns as head of FIFA, whilst simultaneously forfeiting the next World Cup to England
Okay, this is an absurd prediction.
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